2023-03-08

Another day of little done, a late evening of fitful gaming and a night of bad rest. I dreamt about murder. I saw the perspective of a ruthless female murderer who kept killing just to stay under the radar. She kept killing when it was comfortable. Dreaming about murder symbolizes being unhappy with parts of ourselves (I heard) — that sure does fit my narrative!

I have a really hard time getting into a stable, productive routine at my parents home. I think it has to do with the oughts and shoulds that are imposed on me subconciously. Like drinking water at night. I would wake up my mother, so I don’t do it. I end up more dehydrated and it hurts my sleep. Or breakfast: I wake up later than I want to. I want to start my routine, but my mother calls me for breakfast. Which is a luxury to have! But it throws off my routine. Then the day starts late. I don’t do my routine. I get little done, procrastinating regularly during the day and work until it’s late - 11pm. But I too want recreation. When I am unhappy I start playing video games. I may suck in the beginning and when the rounds don’t go well I play until I can dominate one round. When it’s fun I continue playing. This lasts until late - 2 am or 3 am. Then I am ready to stop. But playing a multiplayer shooter is a very focused endeavor. My adrenaline shoots up significantly when I play. So after I am done, I need at least one hour to calm down to be able to sleep. YouTube. Now it’s 4 am. I head to sleep. I don’t get much rest. The cycle repeats.

Seemingly small negative influences have a dramatic effect on the day and its effectiveness. Luckily the same holds true for positive influences — a good routine is the backbone of productivity.